3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
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Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen