I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
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Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Mmmm canned fish.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
[montage of me giving-up]