My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
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Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.