Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
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I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”