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First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
I have never related to anyone more.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.