[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
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You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.