Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
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Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
A customer told me they were never coming back….
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
I was just discussing this with my cat
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time