At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
You Might Also Like
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.