At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.

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I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school


If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.


The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.


Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.


This could be the Alcohol talking but….

OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!


GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.

ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*


One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…


Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this


Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.


I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.