@Tmoney68

At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.

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@meantomyself

I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school

@alrulz2009

If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.

@amentalrecess

The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.

@MickSnark

Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.

@STRIKINGxVIKING

This could be the Alcohol talking but….

OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!

@TheHyyyype

GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.

ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*

@ComicLover_94

One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…

@tchrquotes

Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this

@bazecraze

Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.

@RunOldMan

I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.