An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
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My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”