My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
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I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it