Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
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Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
my name if I was in the mob
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?