Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
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Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.