Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
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Typos are what differentiates is from robots
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.