@Bob_Janke

Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”

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@CharminCarmen13

I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless

@jakelikesnaps

[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL

@evilistheheart

centipede: *gets down on one knee*

girlfriend: omg

centipede: *puts down second knee*

girlfriend: uhm…okay

centipede: *puts down third knee*

girlfriend: please stop

@Smethanie

I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.

@aveuaskew

Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.

@slyoung5

To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.

@joeyfullystated

Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.

@stephenjmolloy

[First day studying philosophy]

Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.

Me: Me?

Professor: Yes.

Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?

Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.

@joeljeffrey

I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.