I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
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[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
centipede: *puts down second knee*
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.