Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
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Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says