got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
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“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️