“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
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Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
back to work
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
In banana years, I am bread.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.