Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
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If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
live long and prosper!
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
john wicks are toilet candles
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.