Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
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*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Haha good job!!
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.