I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
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[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
everyone’s a critic
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home