It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
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Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla