My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
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We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
After 35, your body ages in dog years
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
That’s incredible! 👌
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.