Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
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Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
It’s an epidemic…
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think