I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
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me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
🙁
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.