Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
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i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
tinder is all about the long game
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.