If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
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To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?