He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.

You Might Also Like


Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future


Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.


Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.


just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress


Dr: do you know why you gained weight?

*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*

Me: no, better run some tests


Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.


“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted


Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.

Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*


It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.


The twelve days of Christmas be like:

Days 1-4: Birds
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)