He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
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TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
rolls sleeve
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.