@SunnyGirl1717

He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.

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@_yesChef

Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future

@VerbsRProudest

Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.

@Writepop

Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.

@skedaddle74

just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress

@TragicAllyHere

Dr: do you know why you gained weight?

*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*

Me: no, better run some tests

@werehedgehog

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.

@jonnysun

“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted

@huntigula

Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.

Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*

@ChrisIsJoking

It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.

@Jared_VanL

The twelve days of Christmas be like:

Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)