How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
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’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Somebody’s lying.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
What if the weather talks about us?
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?