The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
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[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Has there ever been a more American story?
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game