I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
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My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.