If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
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Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.