Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
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Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart