At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
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When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Breaking news:
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
saving face 👀
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..