[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
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I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.