Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
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I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee