My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
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Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”