I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
You Might Also Like
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure