If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
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if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load