Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
You Might Also Like
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
why does this building look like a guilty dog
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!