My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
You Might Also Like
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]