I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
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Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.