Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
You Might Also Like
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car