My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
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Clients after you give them your rates
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Knock Knock
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?