My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
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How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer