Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
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[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.