Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
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[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Cause of death: Zumba
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Fluff me with a fork baby
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill