Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
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fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Just how popey was the pope today?
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing