ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
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When you let grandma cat sit
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.