@tastefactory

LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem

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@FredTaming

dentist: have you been flossing?

me: yes 🙂

dentist: your mouth?

me: no 🙁

@tastefactory

Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom

@kiralc

“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”

“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”

@Mom_Overboard

Someone: your tweet is unnecessary

Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT

@Mardigroan

Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.

@tastefactory

Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”

@ShortSleeveSuit

Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up

– squirrels

@causticbob

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.