LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
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People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*