Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
You Might Also Like
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
jesus christ confetti not now
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention