[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
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I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.